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Letters Sent In The Last 12 Hours
Saturday October 1, 2016 -18:44
Dear Lord; just a few words on what this nation needs for the people and the nation. we are being destroyed by corrupt and greed. Lord I pray for your help and your guidance and what to do to save this nation. I hope that you will help out this nation and get us back to a nation of values of a Christian nation. also I need your help in getting the house that I want. having to go through all the garbage that is in the election coming up. we sure need you Lord and guidance to keep from going down hill with all the corrupt leaders. I thank you with all the help you give me, your humble servant Brian.
Jai Mataji,Dear God.
Saturday October 1, 2016 -18:38
Loving Lord,Thank you, Please forgive me, Please Bless all who need and pray to you. My lord I await your love, Guidance and blessings. Jai Mataji.Amen
Saturday October 1, 2016 -18:15
This is a letter personally for you lord.Everyday I thank god you are in my life father.I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me lord.I want to ask you to help me financially father I work lord but every end of the month is like I don't work up every morning to go to work oh lord.the money finishes without knowing where it went.father I have school that I pay that,I have debt or accounts but only two father I ant you to help me settle my account Lord.I want you to help me get a better job lord where I can also treat my angel father.I want to take my angel to a good private school father for her to be the best in her class father.I pray oh lord father.father bless me with all that I am crying for Lord.I have a dream of becoming a manager Lord I ask upon you to bless me with that dream oh lord.you are my faithful God you are my awesome god and I love you Lord.i pray and I ask upon you.in the mighty name of Jesus I pray Amen.
Saturday October 1, 2016 -14:09
Dear God, Great Spirit, or whatever you wish to go by these days,
I'm probably not the best writer out there, nor am I a native English speaker, so please forgive me for any mistakes I might make in writing this virtual letter to You... I pray and cry pretty much every day now, but You don't seem to care. This letter is my attempt to put my thoughts into order, instead of rambling to You in the cold, dark hours of the night. I'm afraid this will be long, as I can't do anything other than pour out all my pain of all my life to You. I am lonely, I am broken, and I am lost. I am angry at You and I don't understand You anymore... I can no longer keep it inside, and I am sorry.
I was born into this world, over 26 years ago, to a relatively poor family in a Western European country. From the moment I was born I started dying, as do we all. However, unlike most people, I nearly killed both my mom and myself, simply by virtue of being born. I also apparently had a twin brother who was born dead, which, for all I know, could have also been caused by me. I left my mom with a condition that still lasts to this day as a result of my own birth.
When I was a little boy I wanted nothing more than to make You happy. I believed in you with every fibre of my being. I would say I loved You, and knew in my heart You existed, beyond any shadow of a doubt. I was never really "religious" in my younger years, but I did find myself fascinated with angels, with You, with all spiritual beings benevolent and positive. My grandmother was a Jehovah's Witness, and I still remember being obsessed with that one brochure that dealt with angels she had laying around her house. I thought they were the coolest beings ever; holy warriors of God, kicking demon butt wherever they went, protecting and guarding us mortal beings. I devoured, figuratively, any pictures and articles that dealt with the supernatural from a very young age. I knew, in my heart, that I was meant to do something with this, though I did not know or understand what.
However, despite my love for You, I found myself hated by my peers for no reason. From the moment I went to school at the age of 4, I started getting bullied. Why? I don't rightly know or understand, even to this day. I was a quiet, reserved kid. I would prefer drawing over sports, prefer deeper conversation to the endless pointless bragging and teasing that other boys my age seemed to have come so naturally to them. I never understood it.
On top of that, my family moved around a lot for my dad's jobs, as he was the sole provider. My mother's health was ever too poor for her to be able to hold down a job effectively. In 1993, my younger brother was born, but he died shortly after having been born. I was too young to remember any of this. In 1995, my sweet little sister, whom is 21 now, was born. I haven't spoken to her in about 4 months, but I miss her every day.
This was the story of my life, day in, day out, always getting bullied, being the outcast, rarely having anyone to call "friend", always moving around, from school to school all over the country, never truly belonging, never truly connecting. On top of other guys never judging me "fit" to be hang out with me, girls would make fun of me, laugh at me, and tell me "No girl is ever going to be interested in you." I am assuming it was for the same reason that other boys would make fun of me and bully me.
As a result, I ended up drowning myself in video games, only occassionally playing outside with the rare bunch of kids that liked me enough to hang out with me.
Then I neared my teenage years. I was the tallest guy in my school and also the first of my class to grow a beard.
I discovered, around this time, that drawing was, indeed, a very big talent of mine, and I would withdraw in my room for hours on end, losing myself in a self-made fantasy that was vastly preferable to the pain of the "real world." I'd draw all sorts of creatures, people, and beings. People recognized this talent; I had girls ask me if I could draw them, and I finally started feeling like I was good for something; good *at* something.
It was also around this time I started becoming more interested in the paranormal. I have had plenty of paranormal experiences in my life, as far back as I can remember. This world was not strange to me, though at times it felt scary, as I was taught to fear it. I became interested in magick, Wicca, that sort of thing. I borrowed a book from the local library on Wicca, how to practice White Magick, and, me being a lonely, lost young teenage boy who also happens to be a hopeless romantic, I tried a spell to attract a good woman into my life. Keep in mind, I was like 11 or 12 at the time... I was young, stupid and naive. I did not protect myself, nor took any other measures. I didn't expect it to work. Let's just say I unleashed something that day that has plagued me until this day, even though I only recently found this out... I regret it, so much. I've tried praying for forgiveness, I am trying to change my life, to quit habits I formed, to get this filthy being away from me, but You don't seem to listen. More on that later, however...
I became bitter in my teenage years, God. You know this well. We moved to that horrible place, that place that scarred me, no, my entire family, for the rest of my life. I grew angry at you. Angry for my pain, the pain of my mother, the loneliness and hurt of my sister, the faithlessness of my father. He was never there for us. My mother was never there for us, though less intentionally so for obvious reasons. I understand she had her own struggles, but my father, he walked away repeatedly, with no excuses to be made, and this started as early as when I was 9. During those times, which happened 3 times before the 4th and final time, I am the "man of the house." At age 9, for months on end. Yeah... We have no family to fall back on during those dark days. The abandonment I felt during those periods was insane and have had a lasting impact on me. Perhaps this is part of the reason You not being visible in my life has hurt me more than anything has ever done. I always wanted to believe You, my Father, would be there when my physical father wasn't there for me.
I swore during those times, that when I became a father myself, I would never walk away, that I would be there for my children, that I would never have children unless I was absolutely sure that the woman I wanted to have them with would be a great mother, that I would be able to support them financially.
I will state it, flat-out, I consorted with demons and turned to "Satanism," or rather, an angry teenager's version of it. I felt back then, as I do now, that You don't give a crap about us. I felt You didn't care about me specifically. I thought and felt that You were arrogant and prideful, that all You wanted from us was to simply receive worship with complete disregard for our happiness as human beings. I'd use other words, but for the sake of politeness I'll refrain from it. It is strange how much I can relate to that 14 year old boy again during this time... I do not wish to hurt You when I write these things, because part of me hopes You still care, and please understand this. However, how can one pray, pour out their hearts, when one is not allowed to fully express the depths of one's pain to the Creator of All? Like I said, I can no longer hold it in, so I will tell You straight in Your face what it is I feel and think, from son to Father...
Back then, it was more of an emotionally driven state. The anger of a disappointed, misguided teenager. This entity that Christians would call "Satan" or the Adversary, if he truly exists as an individual, and is not rather some metaphor for the general embodiment of an ideal followed by negative entities and those mortals influenced by them, he/they do(es) not wish to make people happy. I get that. I understood this shortly after I went down that path. I won't go down that road again, don't worry... However, I am confused by You. I am angy, I am hurt, and I am disappointed. Beyond disappointed, actually... I hate typing these things out. I hate it, because deep down, I still *want* to believe You have something good in store for me soon, that You *do* care, that You do *love* me. But I just don't see it. I don't want to unleash what I am feeling just yet, not until I have fully written about my life. Not until I have fully written about these things that bother me.
Around that time, my mother's sister lost her boyfriend. He mysteriously died of carbon monoxide poisoning. No one could explain it. She moved in with us. At first I thought it was fun, but after several months, the neglect of both my sister and myself by both my parents became rather unbearable, especially during those restless teenage years, that were already filled with loneliness, depression, relative poverty (by Western standards), and unrequited love by quite a number of different girls in my school. In fact, half of the girls I had crushes on would laugh at me, mock me, and humiliate me, because I looked "different." There was one girl in my entire high school period that liked me a lot, but I was so scared... I was insecure as a result of the bullying, the gossiping, the humiliation. All this stuff has left it's mark on my psyche as a grown man. It was relentless, it happened every single day for 5 years straight, and that is excluding the bullying I faced from the age 4 all the way until the end of Elementary; the only breaks I had was when I was at home, drawing, playing my instruments, and when I was playing video games, where I would lose myself in a fantasy world, playing RPGs, fantasizing I was someone that mattered, being with some pixelized woman in that virtual reality because, eager as I was for the real thing, I never experienced it then. I was suicidal at the age of 14, from loneliness, both in terms of friends and in terms of contact with the opposite sex, who continue to make me feel like I am a disgusting piece of filth, not worthy to so much as be looked upon.
These days, I am told I am a handsome man, but back then, on top of me looking different from your average guy, I was also riddled with acne and I hated the way I looked... Hell, I still hate the maimed parts of my body, the parts I can't change. The stretch marks, the port-wine stain that covers almost my entire left upper arm and parts of my back... But yeah, at least I am happy with my face, I suppose.
I finally moved out of that horrible place at the age of 16. I sort of made friends after moving back to my hometown. I found Christianity in one of it's forms. For a few years I felt happy to have the emotional support, I suppose. The friends I made. I fell in love with a woman 11 years my senior, and she with me. We both were mutual friends with my parents' friends. God, I loved that woman. She was the first one I can honestly say I truly loved. I still hope and pray she managed to rid herself of that drug habit... Of course, we never expressed our love for each other due to me being a minor, but still, I have fond memories of her and me sitting in front of my apartment complex, talking until deep in the night. Eventually, right after I graduate my high school, my parents decide to move back to that horrible place and I leave her and my friends behind, after only 1 and a half year of semi-happiness...
Two weeks after the move, at the age of 17, my dad decides to cheat on my mom again and this time he doesn't come back. My mom goes insane. She grabs a knife and tries to kill herself. I restrain her, trying to protect her, trying to protect my sister. She accuses me of assaulting her. The church people come over to talk to her. It didn't help. For weeks on end, I am paranoid that when I come down from my attic, I will find my mom having hung or stabbed herself, or overdosed on one of her many medications. I am afraid I will find my little sister dead, with her eyes wide open.
Mom worked a call center job with her sick body. One blow after another. I wanted, hell, needed to go to college. It was required by law because I wasn't 18 yet. But of course we didn't have the money. I signed up for college to get a degree in Graphic Design. I qualify by doing an assignment for a test in which I excel, because, you know, visual art. Then I find out I need to buy equipment such as a camera, worth over 1000 euros, plus books, plus actual fees. Student loans won't cover it. No degree in Graphic Design for me. My depression deepens. I just lost my friends, my lover, my father, and am this close to losing both my mother to suicide and my sister, who was the only one I could sort of talk to, to being taken out of the house my child protection services. She is getting messed up in the head too. She becomes withdrawn, closed off, no longer the fun-loving, cheerful, happy little girl I used to play Pokémon with...
I apply for a college near me, to get a degree in IT. Because you know, I work with computers a lot. Boring as hell. I don't like it. I don't have friends, as usual. There's this one guy I sort of hang out with out of pure necessity. We don't have anything to talk about, nor do we have anything in common. I desperately try to talk to him about video games, about music, about anything I enjoy talking about; movies, girls, whatever. No connection there. Not for lack of trying. But I mean, I am depressed, pretty suicidal at this point. Again. I had literally *just* recovered a little under one and a half years ago. People don't understand that. And I understand people do not understand that, but that doesn't take away the loneliness.
To top it all off, my mom becomes too sick to work, and stops paying her bills. She returns from the hospital one morning, after I go to college, saying she got diagnosed with cancer. In the meantime, I decide to finally get baptized. I try to cling to religion really tightly in order to cope with all this filth going on in my life. I want to serve You. I want to make You happy. I try to rely on You. To give You all my worries and fears. To have "faith." I sort of succeed. And two days before I get baptized at the age of 18... I nearly die. Again.
I get rushed to the hospital by a friend of ours in the local church, who was going to pick me up for a service that evening. I tell her (or try to, while suffering from anaphylaxis), because, you know, God wants you to respect your life, that I can't breathe. I had eaten an olive which was supposed to contain garlic, but instead had an almond in it 10 minutes earlier, in a salad my mom made. She had bought those olives from a store run by her Armenian friend. By some miraculous miracle, that one particular olive with an almond ended up on my plate. The only person to be fatally allergic to it. So this friend rushes me to the hospital because, you know, she was here anyway. 20 minutes, speeding across the highway to the nearest hospital, hanging out the window, gasping for air.
Seriously though, could You please make my next near-death experience a bit less lengthy and claustrophobic? I arrive in the hospital, clenching my throat, choking on my own tongue. The nurse at the desk sees it, I manage to squeeze out the word "nut" and she understands. She notifies the nearest doctor and they take me to a room where they have to spend the next 10 minutes ramming EpiPens in my leg. I think they had to administer about 3 or 4 of them. I can't quite recall; I was sort of fading in and out of consciousness. They also administered something else which I don't remember. They put one of those breathing masks on me. I remember quite vividly, laying on that table thinking to myself: "You know, I am 18. I've never even so much as kissed a girl before. I have never had the pleasure of holding a woman in my arms, to have sex, to make love."
But anyway, eventually the swelling from my tongue subsides enough for me to breathe again without the aid of the mask. I suppose I should have thanked You for it. In hindsight, I think I would have been much more grateful if I would have actually passed away that day. I'm sorry if that offends You.
The very next day, my mother comes to pick me up. In the car, I have a second anaphylaxis, right out of the blue. I still can not explain it. We rush to the nearest doctor's office, who rams yet more EpiPen's in my system. They give me Xanax. I take it for about a week, but every time I take it, the left side of my body goes numb. I start hyperventilating shortly after. I can't eat anything because I have a psychological swallowing disorder. I can only drink water for a month straight. I lost massive amounts of weight. I choke on everything else I try to eat. After 4 weeks I can finally see a therapist for this. She teaches me to eat again with baby food. It takes another 2 to 3 weeks before I am confident enough to eat pancakes again. Slowly I regain the ability to eat normal food again. A sandwich never tasted so good, trust me...
A few weeks afterwards, the nightmares start. They are demonic to say the least. I wake up in a cold sweat. Something feels different. Something changed. I start having thoughts that feel like they are not my own. They feel forced from the outside. It gets to the point where I believe I am under demonic attack. I start becoming suicidal again because these thoughts go against everything I hold dear. I get blasphemous thoughts as well. I become suicidal and eventually put a knife to my wrist, crying, begging You for mercy. Asking You why the hell I have this. Asking if the pain can please stop...
I go see my doctor. He says it's "OCD." I see a shrink. They put me on meds. They don't work. Let's try more meds. Those don't work either. I switch to a different therapist. But they don't have space for me. I wait and wait. Almost a year passes by and I continue to suffer in silence. I join forums for people with OCD, but talking about it, sitting on my backside playing videogames, none of it helps. I drop out of college, and, due to my complete lack of interaction with women, I start viewing pornography. I had viewed it in my teenage years, but only sporadically. It was mild at first, but soon it becomes hours on end.
In early 2009, a little under a year from when I had my near-death experience, I finally get called in for my first appointment with my new psychologist. He's a great guy. He's a Christian too, though of a different denomination. I don't mind. We get along great, he seems to understand my problems and we become friends. He helps me move out of my house and to get a place to myself. Except the place isn't to myself, it's shared by like 5 people aside from me. I find this hard to cope with, and eventually move back in with my mom and sis, partially because of it being too much for my OCD and also because of the financial situation of my mother and sister which continues to grow worse. My disability welfare is more than what my mom gets from her own disability welfare. My sister at this time is still in High School and she too suffers through what I have; getting bullied constantly, being alone, having boys ridicule her and calling her names, just the same as girls did to me.
I join a dating site at the recommendation of my therapist and I go on my first date and have my first, very meaningless, disappointing kiss with a girl I didn't even really like... I regret that. I wish I saved it.
God, I miss my sister so much... I haven't spoken to her in 4 months, ever since I moved across the globe. Last my mom told me, she's been getting worse since I left. As if I don't feel enough guilt... I wanted nothing but the best for the person I probably love most in this world.
From halfway 2008 up to early 2010, I was completely isolated. I sat at home, with nothing going on, except the occational therpy session. That was my only contact with the outside world. No friends, no family, just excruciating, mind-numbing loneliness and days spent on the internet to numb the pain.
My therapy continues. In 2010, I finally meet my first girlfriend. I am 20, she is 22. She's a Catholic. We were each others' first. Only problem is, we met on an OCD forum and she lives in the USA. I live in a European country with no money to go see her. We talk online all day and night. I love her, and I am convinced You'll help us find a way to meet, to afford it. I believe it's "meant to be" and so does she. For months things are great. But then reality kicks in; no money for either of us. She didn't have a job or college due to OCD and neither did I. She has no income at all, and I just had my disability welfare. I decide to break up with her because I want to spare us the pain for a wide variety of reasons... We get back together, off and on, for the next year or so, but nothing ever happens in terms of physically meeting. If only you could see me now, L. I'm actually living in the same country as you.
My second girlfriend and me are short-lived. A month, give or take, of November 2011. She can't make up her mind. "I want you so much... I am not sure... No I don't think this is meant to be. I want you so much!"
My third girlfriend... I lost my virginity to her. I regret that too. Not because I was worried about any Christian motives any more. I had mostly lost my faith in Christianity by then anyway... It was slowly whittled away by a variety of things. More on that later. She was disrespectful to me, would talk about other guys to my face, flirt with other guys in front of me, that sort of thing. I ended up finding out she was on a dating site while in a relationship with me and was still an active user. We broke up. A week later she had someone else.
My fouth girlfriend came into my life about 6 months afterwards. She was 5 years older than me. We got along so well. I loved this woman. She was stunning, she was intelligent, she was amazing and I loved that she was older than me. I've always had a thing for that. I loved her assertiveness. We played video games together, had fun. Talked for hours, deep into the night. It was a connection similar to what I had with the first lady I fell in love with when I was 16. She ended up cheating on me with another guy. Felt fantastic afterwards. She was polygamous apparently. I asked her if she could remain with one partner and still be happy, to which she replied positively. So I assumed it wasn't a problem. Wrong.
Now, during this time, and we're talking it being early 2013 now, I had nothing going on. I still sat at home, still didn't make any friends, though not for lack of trying. I decide to join a gym, because I am tired of being fat, which was a result of my sedentary lifestyle. Not because I wanted to, but because by this point I was not only suffering from "OCD" but also from severe Social Anxiety and suicidal depression. I develop obsessions and fears related to women. I become paranoid and I lose my will to live. My mom and sis try to reassure me a few times, but afterwards they just ignore me in my madness. My mother calls the cops on me and tries to have me arrested because I start shouting and crying. She didn't bother to call a hospital or anything, she calls the cops on me. I was no threat to her or my sister, unlike her with her knife a few years prior... Bye what little trust in my mother I had left.
After that, we started getting crap with these new neighbors. Yet more things You sent our way to torture us. These child abusers, the endless sleepless nights listening to machines, slamming of doors, the screams of rage and anger from the mother, listening to the punches and kicks. For years on end this continued on, day in day out, with my mother having cancer, needing to have rest. She had her cancer go into remission twice, but it came back a third time, which, to this day, is still going on. There's too much of this stuff to go into detail of but I hated that period of my life.
And then came the fifth girlfriend... She was the one who introduced me to "spirituality," meditation, and all that crap. The relationship only lasted a few months. I connected with my "guardian angel" the first time we meditated together. I felt something. She ran away from me, saying I had "demons" that were "too powerful for her" or something like that. Said she got visited by one of them. Whatever.
After that, I did something I never thought I'd do; I consulted psychics. I knew I had "gifts" of my own. Throughout my life, I could sense things and "knew" things before they happened. I eventually came into contact with this shaman... She told me flat out I was one too. I didn't know. I had no idea. I didn't even know what a "shaman" was outside of the boundaries of video games up to that point. I guess it fit; the suffering, the mental illness, the madness, the negative entities, the nearly dying. She said she was "called to my calling." I was told by psychics that my "cup would runneth over" if I went down this road. That I'd know happiness. Everything I wanted. Hah... I thought I finally found the path You wanted me to tread. I started digging into this spiritual stuff, shamanisim. I felt scared and alone. I didn't know why I went along with it. Something about it felt "right" I suppose. Suddenly, we moved out of that horrible place again. A few months afterwards, like three or so months.
I thought You had finally blessed us. I wanted to leave for the US to finally pursue an education which I had missed out on due to my supposed "shamanic illness" but before that I wanted to leave my mom and sis in a decent environment, which was part of the reason I stayed with them, even as I slowly crawled and clawed my way out of that depressed state, still suffering from these unwanted thoughts, depression, suicidal tendencies and social anxiety.
And then we ended up in a place far worse than the previous one, which we thought was not possible. For 6 months we suffered even worse than we did in the past several years. Then we finally moved again.
In the meantime, I opened my "third eye" through a lot of meditation and other practices like yoga, and I exorcized 2 negative entities plus a human spirit from myself with the help of my then-mentor; the same woman who had told me I was a shaman... It felt fantastic, and I felt the presence of angels during that release. It was amazing. For a few days, and it turned out there were more of them attached to me.
We moved to a new, better place. I finally felt right in leaving my mom and sis in that place and I felt I had fulfilled my obligation towards my family. I could finally make work of moving to the USA and I finally did 4 months ago, after a lot of stress, toiling and work. So I started college in late June of this year. I've been single for 1 and a half year, partially by choice because I was planning this. I am 26 now.
Here's the thing though, God... This is the reason why I am writing to You in the first place. I know You know all this stuff already. The things I've just typed out for You. You've seen them. I prayed to you throughout my life that I could finally find peace. That I could finally find happiness, and in particular in the past 8 or so years. I was promised happiness if I started on this shamanic path. I was promised I'd meet my "soulmate" here in the USA, shortly after arriving here. I was promised I'd be happy. I was promised I'd finally make true friends. I've been lonely all my life. I was motivated, I was happy when I finally made my move to the USA happen. I was hopeful I would run into the woman of my dreams. It's been 4 months. And I am still so lonely. I have sort of made 1 friend. I have not met any women that might fit the bill. I am 26 now and I would like to start a family some day. I am sick and tired of being alone. I have a lot of fears.
I fear, for one, that I will never ever find the right woman for me. I am now suddenly told that I won't meet her, probably for several more years. I find this cruel. I have only asked You for a a few things in my life...
The only things I've only ever wanted were to meet a nice girl, a few good friends, raise kids, have enough money to afford raising them to avoid the same situation I was in as a child, and then die with my lover in my arms, old, happy and fulfilled. I never asked for all this shamanism crap. I never asked for all this responsibility. I never asked for all this suffering. I never asked for this soul-wrenching loneliness. I never asked for all the mental anguish I have been put through. I've been torn apart, I've been lost, I've been shattered and I am so mad at You for it. Having that forced on me without my consent. I didn't agree to any of this, I was never asked "would you like to be a shaman?" or anything. It was forced down my throat from the moment I was born, and I didn't get any say in it. I want it to stop and I pray to You every day for it to end. I can't bear it anymore.
I want peace, and I want happiness. I want to just have a simple life, and I want this responsiblity taken away from me. I hate it. I don't know what You think I am, but I am just a normal human being and I can only take so much. I've suffered all my life and I am still lonely. Now You expect me to do all this stuff for You, but meanwhile I have seen nothing for it in return instead of just more pain, more trials, more hurt. Even my wishes, the ones that were so very basic, just simple, basic human needs, every attempt I have ever made at them have come to naught. I feel hurt and I feel alone. I cry every night and every day. I am crying as I am writing this to You. I find myself resenting You for having forced this on me. All I wanted was to make You happy and to just live a normal, good, moral life. Instead, I get all this weird stuff thrusted on me, and even the only thing that has been granted to me, moving to the USA, has come at a lot of pain. I feel I have been lied to, that I won't get the things I want and desire. At the end of the day, I ask for nothing at all. Just basic human needs. Love, family, friendship and enough material possessions to support these things. I never asked for riches, for fame, for glory or any other extravaggant things.
I wish for a romantic relationship with a compatible woman so bad, but somehow that seems to be the one thing You are completely denying me. Everytime I try to start one, something happens which completely wrecks it. I feel angry and bitter at You for this. I keep asking You and praying to You for my supposed "soulmate" who's very existence I am now doubting. I promised You that if I'd find her, and, because I was sure she would be a God-fearing woman, we'd both serve you, out of gratitude.
I have been lonely all my life, and I just want to find that one person that will make me happy. I was told she'd be here, but now that I am here, she's nowhere to be found. I feel lied to, I feel deceived and I feel angry. I don't want to shamanize for You anymore. I don't want to do anything for You anymore because I honestly feel that, after all those years of suffering; the long, slow, mind-rending loneliness and desitution I've been in, how literally insane it has driven me at times... I can't even put into words what it's like to spend all your life without any meaningful human contact, or close personal connections, aside from the few women I fell in love with, only to have every single one of those turn around and either cheat on me, or just cast me aside like I was just another number... I can't put into words the amount of pain and disappointment I feel. I finally had a piece of hope and it's been completely dashed. I thought things would be different but I am still lonely and, even though I try, I still can't connect to people, even though I try my hardest. I am still alone. I am still sad and I still cry every night. I feel deceived. And worst of all, I feel You are mad at me, that you don't care. I feel You either hate me or that You just laugh at me.
But the worst thing is when I am told by other shamans, including my old mentor, that I'm supposed to "ask for forgiveness" or "to just have patience and live in the moment" or to have "humility". I want to address these things to You, Father, because I am told I did something in a past life for which I need to ask "forgivenss" but I am sitting here thinking to myself... What responsiblity does my current incarnation have towards what I did in a past life? How is that fair and just of You to expect me to make amends for that? I used to believe you were merciful and just. How is it fair to expect me to pay for the crimes of what a past life did? I was a little boy that loved You once. And I get repaid by that by knowing nothing but loneliness and suffering? Why? I think it is because You hate me. Because You don't want to bless me and see me happy. I don't even know what I did. How is this fair, Father?
Then they tell me I should have "humility." I don't understand this. I've literally been humiliated all my life. I was bullied since the age of four. I had girls ridicule me and reject me time after time. I have been hurt again and again. I grew up in relative poverty in a family where strong emotional connections were missing. I've been degraded and had to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of happiness I've ever tried to have, and half the time I didn't even get to have the sraps. Have I not been humiliated enough, Father? Have You not completely torn me down, have You not completely destroyed my self-esteem and made it so that I have had low self image and mental scars as an adult as a result of these humilating experiences? I don't understand. I was just a little boy that wanted You to be happy with me, and this is what I got out of my life. I somehow get blamed, saying that I need to have "humility" when all I've ever done in this life is trying to be happy and trying to keep myself standing through all the pain and loneliness I'v endured. Yes, I made mistakes, but none of them were ever intentionally to hurt You. I don't understand. I feel You hate me. I feel You don't want me to be happy and that You are actively trying to deny me my happiness, which would come about from so little. I feel my entire life has been one big humiliation. And if, as a result I became "prideful" then I must ask you; "What would You expect, when after a certain point, all I had left, all that motivated me to keep going, *was* my pride?" Without my pride, I would have killed myself over a decade ago. I never wanted to develop any pride, it was not even a conscious choice. I simply felt it was necessary to see myself in a higher light in order for me to remain standing. Why is that wrong, and why are You mad at me for it? Rather than having people say "Good on you for having had the strength to keep going" I get told by these "holy men" that *this* is what's wrong with me? I don't get encouragment, I don't get comfort or consolidation, or reassurance that You love me... No, I get *this*. After all my life feeling that You hate me, or that, at the very best, You just don't give a crap about me, You don't have them tell me that You do love me and that You are happy with the fact I managed to last through these times. No, You have them tell me I am too prideful... I don't even know what to say to that, Father. I am incredibly hurt. I am angry, and I am disappointed in my life. I am disappointed in everything to the point where I don't even want to live anymore. Again. Story of my life.
As for the soulmate... Is it really *that* much to ask, for a little shred of happiness after all the suffering I've endured? All I get is a cold shoulder on which I am not even allowed to cry, and I simply get told she's not going to come into my life any time soon. That I have to sit here being lonely and unfulfilled. The one thing I want the most, and, I dare say, the one thing that kept me going, the hope of something beautiful, it keeps being denied to me. It's literally one of very few things I ask for. I'm 26. I would like to start a family soon. But apparently I am not allowed to live even the most basic of human dreams. And it makes me angry. Because I try. I try dating. I try finding someone. But it never ends well. But somehow, wanting this most basic of things, that makes me "entitled." What should I do instead, Father? Just sit here and wait? You mean, sit there and wait, for another 8 years while my life slips away? Just like the past 8 years, where I sat and suffered in silence, not being able to do anything because of the "shamanic illness" that was *forced* on me? That same illness I was completely unaware of that I was suffering from? That same illness that forced something on me which I never asked for? That same illness that ruined my life and the plans I had for it? Maybe all I'm asking of You is perhaps some compensation for the hurt I've been forced to be put through.
And here is the source of my anger at You, Father... Because I find myself resentful. Because You seem to take and demand. But you are unwilling to bless me and give me any modicum of happiness. And I am called arrogant and prideful for feeling this way..? I don't understand that. I'm not an "equal" to anyone, Father. In fact, I feel completely useless. I feel like a filthy rag that has been used to wipe the buttcrack of the Universe. I feel You don't love me. No, I feel You hate me. I feel You unleashed Your rage against me. And because I feel You did this to me, I started doubting and wondering.
So I started examining the Bible again. That "holy" book of which Christians and those shamans said that it is a good and just, as well as an "inspired" book. The book that I once believed in. I look in the Old Testament. I see You, or rather an entity that claims to be You, murder thousands upon thousands of individuals out of punishment, sometimes just because Your favorite king happened to be a flawed human being with faults, but who, also, according to that same book is, just like all human beings, *made in Your own image!* I see You giving laws that are inhumane and compulsive in the form of the Mosaic law. I see You feeling the need to send your "Son" to Earth to die for our supposed sins. And this is somehow just? You need to kill your Own Son in order to satiate your anger against us? Why? I like Jesus. I always did. Mostly anyway. Except that part where he curses a fig tree for not giving off fruit during a time where it wasn't supposed to anyway. But not before You drown the world in a Flood because You're pissed off?
I've suffered at the hands of people all my life, but I don't feel the need to kill all of them. These things, they make me scared of You. Not fearful, in the God-fearing manner. They make me *afraid* of You, of who You supposedly are. And it makes me not want to serve You anymore. I am scared of You, and I don't feel that, if that book is true, You are a very loving being at all, even though that same book claims you *are* the very embodiment of Love. And I don't *want* to believe that you are not Love, but it is the conclusion I am coming to. I loved You as a kid and I wanted to make You happy. I want to believe that perhaps these stories written in that book are just that; stories, symbology, written by imperfect people, that are in no way reflective of who You truly are. I can not believe in that book anymore. If I am to believe You are Love, then I can not believe in the "god" of the bible, because, well, the excuse of "But You're God, therefore You can kill scores of people just like that because You're mad at a few people" only goes so far. If I am to look to You for comfort and help, but at the same time my life has been loneliness and pain, then all I can come to the conclusion of, is that You are simply angry at me, and that You are actively punishing me for something me, this current incarnation, didn't even do! And then I have to ask myself again, how is that in any way, shape, or form just? Because it would mean You're just torturing me. And I don't want to serve someone who is that angry at His own imperfect creations. It isn't right. And it makes me feel horrible and it makes me feel like I don't want to live anymore. Why? Because God. Who am I to judge You? But if this is really You, then You are angry. And if You are angry, instead of the loving Father I always wanted you to be, that I hoped You would be, ever since I was that little boy, then there is no hope for me anymore and I might as well end it all now.
These things they've said to me, they already made me feel like I am to blame for something that I don't even know I did. It doesn't make any sense to me. I am supposed to pray for forgiveness for a past life. In and of itself, fine. But that raised so many questions that I first have to sort all this out. Because apparently You're not willing to bless me until I completely humiliate myself before You, even though I've been humilated all my life, and that You apparently enjoy seeing this or something... I hope I am wrong, but that is the impression I'm getting, even though me, the current incarnation, had nothing to do with the past life thing? It doesn't make sense. And this, along with the disappointments of not finding my girl here, as well as still not really making any friends, it has caused me to lose faith in You, because I know that You know I want nothing more than to find "the one" for me. But what if she doesn't exist? I am a hopeless romantic and I don't want to hop from one woman to another throughout my life. I want to find that one woman to spend the rest of my life with, someone who's fit to be the mother of my children and willing to stick by my side through thick and thin...
I have lost faith in You because I no longer know who or what You are. How can I pray for forgiveness if I don't even know who You are supposed to be? If I don't know what You are like? I can't mean it if I don't know You. And I can't know You until I see something happen in my life, because in reality, all have known is negativity. And I don't want negativity anymore. Hell, I never wanted it, but no matter how much I prayed and begged and pleaded and tried to actively change it, I've never seen any proof that You love me. Don't get me wrong, I've seen plenty of proof You exist, and that angels and demons and human spirits and everything else in between exist. That is not a question. I could never be an atheist or even agnostic. I've seen the proof in front of my eyes time and time again, but seriously, it's now just a matter of "are You benevolent or not" to me. Because, and please take no offense, but the entity that claims to be "God" in the Old Testament? That being does not exactly seem benevolent to me at all. That being seems angry, jealous, vengeful and if a human were to do half the things described in there, we'd be labeled psychopaths. I get told the bible is "misunderstood" but no one elaborates on it for me to help me find answers, as if I am supposed to just figure it out myself. Well, I am trying to figure it out myself, but all I can come to the conclussion of is the above, after being perfectly honest with myself.
On one hand it would perfectly explain why my life has been one giant string of loneliness and suffering and why I keep getting denied the very few things I want so bad that'd make me happy, as well as the fact I had this shamanism crap forced on me without my consent, but that'd literally mean I might as well give up as well, because it would mean there is no reasoning with You. Because let me be clear, God... I want out. I want this torture to stop. I really, really want this torture to stop. I am not happy with the life you have given me. At all. In any way. I am systematically denied everything I wish for, simple though these few things may be.
I am reminded of what the bible says of what You supposedly agreed with Satan regarding Job. You literally allowed the poor man to be tortured by your supposed Adversary. He lost everything. And sure, in the end You blessed him. But You had the power to just resurrect his old children. People are something you can never replace. Instead, he had more children. It doesn't seem right to me... I am confused. You allowed him to get tortured and put him through excruciating pains in every way, and then You decide to berate him when he rightly asks You for an explanation? The man only wanted You to be happy with him and *that* is how You repay him? I can't wrap my head around how a being that claims to be Love personified would *ever* allow something like that to happen.
I am not some pawn, some plaything, for You to toy with or to abuse, just to prove a point. I am a living, breathing human being with emotions, with feelings, and I will not stand for suffering any longer. All I want is to just be happy. I ask for absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I don't want riches, fame, wealth, power, or any of these responsibilities I've had forced down my throat. I don't want to live like this anymore. If this is what You expect from me, please, just kill me. Because I want to be free. I don't want to be subject to Your rage, or to Your whims if this is the kind of person You are. I find it hard to believe You are Love. I can not believe that, if You are the same being from the bible, that You indeed are Love. I just don't see it. And to be honest, if this is indeed You, I do not want to be Your shaman because I can not support this. I went into this willingly at first, because I thought I'd get to help people. But at the end of the day, to quote a song I've been listening to frequently lately "I'm no hero, and I'm not made of stone." I've reached my limit. I'm just an ordinary man with ordinary dreams. I don't want this crap anymore. I am done with the pain. I am done with all this. I am done with the suffering. I want out, one way or another. And if You don't want to make it stop, then I guess I will have to. I never deserved this, no matter how mad or whatever it is You feel towards me You may be. I am tired of being abused like this. I can't take it anymore. I'm done.
Please understand. I just can't do this. And what makes it worse is that I don't understand that when my dreams were so simple, I get forced through all this. I am at a crossroads. Either You are not the entity found in the bible, and You are indeed Love, and this book casts a shadow over who You truly are, which is honestly what I'm hoping for, or You are that being, which, unfortunately, explains better why there is so much suffering in the world, and in which case I just lost the will to even make an effort anymore. I am done. I can't pray, or beg, or ask anymore, not until I've had an answer, because I just... I'm at my wits' end.
Which brings me to the final topic... Do You truly not care about us human beings? Because You seem to claim You do, but at the same time we suffer every day. We suffer and are in pain. Not just us, but the planet we are on. I find myself welling up with rage as I am typing this... Somewhere out there right now there is a man being murdered, a woman being raped, a child being abused. And You just sit there claiming "It's free will." It wasn't free will for those people who are victims to these things. And please, that explanation of "their souls decided this before being born" it's just... It's horrible. It's disgusting. That is not a satisfactory answer. I sure as hell did not choose this life of loneliness. Supposedly each of us has at least one guardian angel. But I just... I can't make any sense of any of this because no matter how one looks at this, it just doesn't make sense from an ethical and moral perspective.
I am lost, tired, and angry. I am sick and I am tired of being sick and tired. I am crying, for my pain and for that of the world. I am angry that my crying has always fallen and will continue to fall on deaf ears. I am sad that this is the case. And I feel lost because this is the case.
Saturday October 1, 2016 -11:10
Dear Father Jesus
Thank u for evrrything
Thank you God for showing me
Saturday October 1, 2016 -9:44
how harmful b really is to me. I could not really imagine a husband hating his wife that much but it looks like i have to go it alone now or die.
He has tried to destroy me Father so many times emotionally and Spiritually. You know that God. He has not physically abused me but has instead wished bad upon me this cursing me into a tormentful
relationship with him. So fake so evil. Thank you for getting me out of it for good Lord God.
Please I always still pray that you would somehow Save his rotton soul from hell.
I would never want to see anyone end up there not even my worst enemy.
Which I do believe is him.
Please God keep me safe from harm.
Lead me into further healing. Don't let me be decieved by his using games any more amen in Jesus amen
Saturday October 1, 2016 -7:02
Thank you for everything you have done for me. God please help me pass all the modules that I'm doing at unisa. Please God I need you with all my heart. Please God I need your mercy. I ask you in Jesus Christ name, Amen.
Saturday October 1, 2016 -5:15
I sacrifice everything that I have. I will throw my passion away, and give up on my friends, and I will even vow never to get married. But please give me a successful career in the future. Give me a large income provide for my parents and sister. Do not let my family suffer this financial crisis any longer.
Saturday October 1, 2016 -4:14
Write to God...Dear God, am still angry with with you. You are making it hard for us all. Situation are getting worse. SHE believes in YOU but you still don't make feel better. I know sometime She also believes in witchcraft which sometimes hinder her healing but still you didnt need permission to heal others. My heart is broken. I am angry but I won't refuse to see your glory
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